Lost In A Shallow River

I feel lost.

It's not that I had no idea how on earth I got myself into this disappointing drama. The hints were all over the place and yet, somehow, I just shrugged them off like I do with dirt on slippers. But was I thinking that by continually neglecting those clues and refusing to address them they will just concede and burst like bubbles? If so, what was I thinking, for crying out loud?

Now, it's all coming back to haunt me like they have always been trying to. I admit I have been warned a lot of times with sporadic knocking on the head. I have been advised of in different and unexpected manners how things can get ugly. But I didn't budge. Now the inevitable is happening and it's hitting me harder.

I used to smile at the image I see when facing the mirror. Not that I was crazy, but I was proud of what it's making me see. I've seen myself in the mirror with my chin up and with eyes full of passion and motivation. I used to see me as a force not easy to mess around with. A worthy competitor who could have given anyone a run for their money any given day.

But the image seems kind of blurry now. I'm seeing those bended shoulders that used to be proud of how many battles were won. Are those eyes looking down like that of a sorry loser? The feisty eyes used to be filled with inspiration left not even a trace of its past. It's like they were never there in the first place. Or was there? I would like to believe they used to be there. I don't see me smiling now.

This person looking at the mirror right now is regrettably empty. The years have seen him beaten to a pulp without him realizing. He got dried up and drained after years of trying to make it to where he wanted yet finding himself drifting into the nothingness. He has become a shallow river making a lot of noise. Noise that can never hide the sad fact that it wasn't deep enough to drown anything or anyone who hinders its path.

I have become a shallow river.

But the hope of gaining that depth to make me matter is something I don't want to loose. I don't want to let go and give up. After all, this is one thing I'm sure I still have. Hope.